Stepping back...

Over the last few days I have made some hard decisions about my volunteer activities.  I am currently on a leave of absence from the shelter and I'm kind of in limbo with the rescue groups I work with. One of them has slowed down with events for the winter months and will be more active in the spring.  The other is just getting off the ground and my role is still under development. This has me doing pretty much nothing at the moment and I'm torn between liking the down time and feeling the itch to do something. It's a hard adjustment for me, but my dogs and cats seem happier already.

The first and foremost reason for stepping back is Jezebel. Working full time and then spending hours at the shelter or rescue events was keeping me from spending quality time with my animals. That's not something I thought about overly much until Jezebel got sick. However, now that her health is questionable, I feel the need to be with her more.  And there's no question that Admiral is much happier when I'm home than when I'm not.  

Before Jezzy got sick, I felt that working with the homeless animals was the most important aspect of my life.  It gave me purpose. I justified sacrificing time with my animals with the logic that mine were all homeless at one time, and they "understand". (Anthropomorphise much?  Yup.) But now, putting myself in their paws, I see that their sacrifice, which they have no choice in, isn't fair.  

Admiral likes volunteering with APBA.  He loves going to events and meeting new people.  He is an outstanding ambassador, and it's something we do together.  We are a great team and I love showing him off.  I'm proud to be his mom, and he makes me even more proud every time we go out together. When events pick up again, he and I will be ready.

Jezebel, however, isn't comfortable being out and about.  Taking her anywhere causes her stress. She shakes.  She pants.  And she shows her fear with growling and barking at other dogs in a desperate effort to keep them away.  She's always been a nervous nellie when out in public, but because I didn't force her to go places with me when she was younger, her nervousness is much worse now that she's older.  She is happiest laying next to me on the couch while I work on the computer, read, or watch TV.  She's curled up, napping, next to me right now. 

I owe my animals a lot of time. They are very forgiving about all the time I haven't been around, and they are sucking up the new level of attention like sponges.  They are happy, and I'm happy to give them what they want.

The second reason for stepping back is that my 16 year old daughter now has a job.  We are sharing a car, and my schedule is now not nearly as flexible as it used to be.  Even if I drive her to work, I have to schedule my activities around her work hours, and it's more difficult than one might think. Her shifts begin and/or end right smack in the middle of hours that I used to dedicate to volunteering.  She also isn't spending as much time at her father's house, and I feel like I need to put spending "mom" time with her ahead of my desire to spend time at the shelter. She likes going to APBA events, so when she can, the three of us (me, her, and Admiral) go to those together. I don't know how many she'll be able to attend this year, since she works on weekends, but hopefully she'll be able to come to some. 

The third reason I'm stepping back is all me.  I'm tired.  I need a break. Even though I feel a need to continue, I recognize that I'm not as effective to the organizations I work with right now. I want to help, but I don't really want to leave the house to do it.  I'm a homebody, and these days, every time I sign up for a volunteer activity, I have to force myself to get up and go.  I need to recharge.  When I get excited about the prospect of going out to do the work, instead of it feeling like a chore (like it does right now), I'll jump back in.  By the time I feel that way again I will have a better idea about how Jezebel is doing healthwise.  If she's doing well, I will go back to it and not feel bad about it.  If she's not, I'll focus on her until it's time for her to leave me.  My priorities will be dictated by her. 

Until then, I'm spending my time scanning craigslist ads for animals being rehomed by their families. I'm watching shelter websites and sharing dogs who look like they need exposure.  I'm sharing Facebook posts of animals that shelters and rescues are promoting.  I'm enjoying it a lot. I have created a Facebook page called DMV Adoptable Dogs. I'm working on building an audience and keeping them interested.  And I also want to write more. I hope to be inspired to write here more often.  

I'm going to make the most of my down time.  I'm going to enjoy spending time with my daughter, my animals, and relaxing.  Taking time for myself isn't a bad thing, and I need to keep telling myself that.