A Hard Week

It's been exactly one week since I lost Jezebel.  It's been pretty miserable.  I was completely non-functional for the first four days. I couldn't bring myself to go back to work on Monday, so I didn't go. I woke up with a headache anyway, so I was not in any shape to try.  Tuesday-Thursday I was just barely functioning.  I got some work done, but had a hard time concentrating.  I've had a hard time sleeping, dreaming weird things, tossing and turning, not able to do it without her. Sleep usually comes easy for me, so that is a frustration all its own. Today was a decent day. Someone told me I was actually perky (which I don't think I am on most days, so I'd say that was a pretty big improvement), but once I got home, my mood came crashing down.

The house is way too quiet.  Admiral doesn't make hardly any noise. He has also been spending a lot of time by himself, laying on my bed, like she used to. He misses her, even though they weren't bff's. I don't think he knows what to do now that he doesn't have to compete for attention.  The two of them used to always try to be the one sitting beside me on the couch. I got trampled lots of times while the two of them jockied for position. They both always got equal quality time, it was just a matter of who got theirs first.

I've been throwing myself into my volunteer stuff.  I came up with a rehoming program for the pit bull group I volunteer with.  Writing web copy, answering emails, creating brochures...all that has kept me busy. And for a little while my heart doesn't hurt because it's busy figuring out how to help other people and other dogs.  But it always comes back to the aching emptiness at the end of the day.

I spoke to the volunteer coordinator at the shelter today and told her I'd like to come back and walk some dogs.  She said I could and that she'll send me an email.  I'm happy that I'm welcome back after being gone for so long.  And I'm glad I'll be able to interact with the animals, take classes, and talk with people who want to adopt. It's what I love to do, and it'll help me get past this.

I don't know how long it's going to take before I'm back to my normal self (if I can ever be considered normal).  I've always known that when the time came when she was no longer with me it would be hard. I've lost pets before, and it always hurts, but being without her...well, that was something I couldn't even comprehend, though I knew it would happen some day.  I expected it would be bad, and in some ways I think I'm doing better than I thought I would. In other ways, it's worse than I could have ever anticipated.

I'm on the lookout now for a foster dog.  I think a foster will be a good distraction, one that doesn't stop when I shut down my computer or pack up event equipment. I think it'll be good for Admiral too.  Luckily, he gets along with every dog he meets, so picking one won't be difficult like it was when I was scoping out fosters after Chuck died. What makes it hard is that I can only pick one, and I've seen a handful that I'd like to take in.

I'm going to bed now, and I'm hoping sleep will find me quickly. Restful sleep, not the fitful kind I've had to make do with since last Friday.  When I wake up, it will be a good day, because Admiral and I have an event to attend and Sunday there's a fund raiser to look forward to. I'm taking it one day at a time, but also planning ahead with things to enjoy. Like milestones.  I'll keep moving from one thing to the next until I get my rhythm back.